CONFESSION

Old Zeb, the backwoods Virginia farmer, has been screwing one of his favorite pigs for years. Suddenly Zeb is hit by pangs of guilt and conscience that torture him so much he decides to go and tell the priest about it in confession.
Father Fungus is shocked and he really does not know how to handle this one.

"Well,"says the priest to Zeb, "tell me, is this pig male or female?"

"She is a female, of course," snorts Zeb."What do you think I am --- some kind of a pervert?"

THE NAIVE MOTHER

Pope the Polack is on a pilgrimage in Calcutta where he makes an official visit to Mother Theresa's orphanage.

Mother Theresa is showing him around, and the Polack is bending and kissing everything in sight. Suddenly, as he bends over to kiss Mother Theresa's pride and joy, the new church organ, the pope recoils in terror. There, stretched out across the top of the organ, is a big, black condom.

Purple with rage, Pope the Polack demands an explanation.

"Well," says the Mother, "one of my orphans found it in a package on the street, and when I read the label it said: 'Place on organ and feel secure.'"

THE CANDID EATER

Harold, Bill, and Gabby, three tired and hungry cowboys, are sitting around a campfire about to eat dinner. Jose, the cook, a grimy, stubble-faced huge Mexican guy, throws down the pot and holds up his gun.
"The first one of you jerks who makes a fuss about your supper gets trouble from me!" says Jose.
There is careful silence as the purple and green slop is served up, and the eating begins.
"God!" shrieks Harold, gagging and turning blue."This stuff tastes like shit."
Then, immediately eying the big Mexican, Harold adds enthusiastically, "But good shit, real good shit."

CAN"T DO TWO THINGS AT A TIME

Zabriski takes Gorgeous Gloria out on a date. They are sitting in a quiet corner of the pub, sipping martinis, when Zabriski leans over and whispers in Gloria's ear, "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
"Nothing," replies Gloria. "I can't talk and laugh at the same time!"

THE FAITHFUL DISCIPLE

Jablonski gets married, but does not know what to do with his bride on the wedding night. So the next day he goes to ask advice from Doctor Gasbag.
"It's easy," says Gasbag, and takes Jablonski to the window. He points to two dogs screwing out in the street and says, "Youdo it just like that."

A week later, Jablonski comes back. "well,"asks the doctor,"how did it go?"
"Great, doc," says Jablonski proudly. "It was simple, no big deal at all. The only problem was getting my wife out into the street."

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

Nerdski is out of work so he goes up to Beverly Hills. He goes around from mansion to mansion, offering to do odd jobs. Finally, at one huge estate, Nerdski knocks on the door.
"Got any work you need doing?" he asks.
"What can you do?" asks the owner.
"I am a really good painter," replies Nerdski.
"Great!" says the man, handing him a can of green paint. "You can go round the back and paint the porch green. It's pretty big, so it will probably take you all day."
But two hours later, Nerdski knocks again at the door. "I've finished that porch," he tells the owner.
"Wow,' says the man. "That was really fast."
"No problem for me," says Nerdski proudly. "I'm a professional."
"Okay," says the man. "Here is the money."
"Thanks,"says Nerdski and turns to leave. "By the way," he adds, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari!"

WHERE TO FIND THE TRENCH?

Dodoski and Nerdski are sitting in the local jail charged with disturbing the peace and being drunk and disorderly.

That afternoon, Sergeant Crapski takes the boys to a big field to do some civic duty work while they serve their time.

"Okay," says the the cop. "Like I told you guys before, you can start digging that trench."

The officer gives a shovel to each of them, points vaguely out at the ten-acre lot, and then walks away.

Nerdski looks around for a while, then turning to Dodoski says,"Dig what trench? I don't see any trench."