jokes both juicy 'n' juvenile

CONFESSION

2008-05-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

Old Zeb, the backwoods Virginia farmer, has been screwing one of his favorite pigs for years. Suddenly Zeb is hit by pangs of guilt and conscience that torture him so much he decides to go and tell the priest about it in confession.
Father Fungus is shocked and he really does not know how to handle this one.

"Well,"says the priest to Zeb, "tell me, is this pig male or female?"

"She is a female, of course," snorts Zeb."What do you think I am --- some kind of a pervert?"

THE NAIVE MOTHER

2008-04-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

Pope the Polack is on a pilgrimage in Calcutta where he makes an official visit to Mother Theresa's orphanage.

Mother Theresa is showing him around, and the Polack is bending and kissing everything in sight. Suddenly, as he bends over to kiss Mother Theresa's pride and joy, the new church organ, the pope recoils in terror. There, stretched out across the top of the organ, is a big, black condom.

Purple with rage, Pope the Polack demands an explanation.

"Well," says the Mother, "one of my orphans found it in a package on the street, and when I read the label it said: 'Place on organ and feel secure.'"

THE CANDID EATER

2008-04-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

Harold, Bill, and Gabby, three tired and hungry cowboys, are sitting around a campfire about to eat dinner. Jose, the cook, a grimy, stubble-faced huge Mexican guy, throws down the pot and holds up his gun.
"The first one of you jerks who makes a fuss about your supper gets trouble from me!" says Jose.
There is careful silence as the purple and green slop is served up, and the eating begins.
"God!" shrieks Harold, gagging and turning blue."This stuff tastes like shit."
Then, immediately eying the big Mexican, Harold adds enthusiastically, "But good shit, real good shit."

CAN"T DO TWO THINGS AT A TIME

2008-04-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

Zabriski takes Gorgeous Gloria out on a date. They are sitting in a quiet corner of the pub, sipping martinis, when Zabriski leans over and whispers in Gloria's ear, "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
"Nothing," replies Gloria. "I can't talk and laugh at the same time!"

THE FAITHFUL DISCIPLE

2008-04-25T05:23:00.000-07:00

Jablonski gets married, but does not know what to do with his bride on the wedding night. So the next day he goes to ask advice from Doctor Gasbag.
"It's easy," says Gasbag, and takes Jablonski to the window. He points to two dogs screwing out in the street and says, "Youdo it just like that."

A week later, Jablonski comes back. "well,"asks the doctor,"how did it go?"
"Great, doc," says Jablonski proudly. "It was simple, no big deal at all. The only problem was getting my wife out into the street."

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

2008-04-25T05:04:00.000-07:00

Nerdski is out of work so he goes up to Beverly Hills. He goes around from mansion to mansion, offering to do odd jobs. Finally, at one huge estate, Nerdski knocks on the door.
"Got any work you need doing?" he asks.
"What can you do?" asks the owner.
"I am a really good painter," replies Nerdski.
"Great!" says the man, handing him a can of green paint. "You can go round the back and paint the porch green. It's pretty big, so it will probably take you all day."
But two hours later, Nerdski knocks again at the door. "I've finished that porch," he tells the owner.
"Wow,' says the man. "That was really fast."
"No problem for me," says Nerdski proudly. "I'm a professional."
"Okay," says the man. "Here is the money."
"Thanks,"says Nerdski and turns to leave. "By the way," he adds, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari!"

WHERE TO FIND THE TRENCH?

2008-04-25T04:57:00.000-07:00

Dodoski and Nerdski are sitting in the local jail charged with disturbing the peace and being drunk and disorderly.

That afternoon, Sergeant Crapski takes the boys to a big field to do some civic duty work while they serve their time.

"Okay," says the the cop. "Like I told you guys before, you can start digging that trench."

The officer gives a shovel to each of them, points vaguely out at the ten-acre lot, and then walks away.

Nerdski looks around for a while, then turning to Dodoski says,"Dig what trench? I don't see any trench."

GENEROUS RESPONSE

2008-04-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Wife Wanted".
The next day he received a hundred replies: "You can have mine."

BLIND LOVE

2008-04-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

THE SYMBOLIC RING

2008-04-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am; I married the wrong man."

THE RIGHT SOLUTION

2008-04-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

A Jew asks his rabbi, "I have two problems. I have asked my boss for a raise a dozen times already, but he is determined to fire me at the end of the month."
"And what is the other problem?" asks the rabbi.
"Ah, well, my wife does not get pregnant, although she stays home and prays all day."
"You are doing it wrong," suggests the rabbi. "Next time you stay at home and pray and send your wife to ask the boss."

Three months later the happy Jew thanks the rabbi. "Your help has worked! The boss has rehired me and my wife is pregnant."

BIRDS OF THE SAME FEATHER

2008-04-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

A man is standing at the bar and another guy walks up to him and says,"Are you Joe Smith?"
The man says,"Yes."
The guy says,"Were you in Chicago a few weeks ago?"
Joe says,"Just a minute," and takes out his notebook, turns some pages, and then says,"Yes, I was in Chicago a few weeks ago."
The guy says," Were you in room two one three?"
Joe looks in his notebook and says,"Yes."
The guy says, "Did you meet Mrs. Wentworth in room two one four?"
Joe looks in his notebook and says,"Yes."
The guy says,"Tell me, did you make love to Mrs. Wentworth?"
Joe scans his notebook again and says,"Yes, I made love to Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it."
Again Joe looks in his notebook and says, "You know that's funny. I did not like it either."

THE INSIGHTFUL SON

2008-04-23T06:52:00.000-07:00

It seems there was captain in the KGB, whose stupid son had great difficulty in understanding the concepts of the party, the motherland, the unions and the people.

The captain told the boy to think of his father as the party, his mother as the mother land, his grandmother as the union, and himself as the people.

Still, the did not understand. In a rage the father locked the boy in the parental bedroom.

That night the boy was still in the wardrobe when the father began making love to the mother. The boy, watching through the keyhole, said," Now I understand: the party rapes the motherland while the union sleeps and the people have to stand and suffer."

THE BRAGGARTS

2008-04-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have heard about two men, great friends, who have were talking to each other. One said," Boy, last night was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I had gone fishing and caught such great fish that even to carry one alone,by myself, was so tiring: it was such a burden. The fish was so long you wouldn't believe it. And not one, I caught so many. The whole night I have been carrying them, just carrying them."
The second man said,"This is nothing, you don't know what happened to me last night. I dreamt that on my one side is Sophia Loren...in my bed, under my blanket. I said, 'My God!' because I looked at the other side and saw Marylin Monroe. It was such a juicy night."
The first man who had been catching fish the whole night said," You idiot. Why did you not call me?"
The second man said," I did call you, but your wife said you had gone fishing."

THE RUDE AWAKENING

2008-04-23T06:33:00.000-07:00

The pretty young thing came slamming into her apartment after a blind date and announced to her roommate,"Boy, what a character! I had to slap his face thrice this evening!"
The roommate inquired eagerly,
"What happened? What did he do?"
"Nothing," muttered the girl. "I slapped him to see if he was awake."

THE PERFECT SOLUTION

2008-04-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

Two women in a train were engaged in an argument. At last, one of them called the conductor. "If this window is open," she said, "I will catch cold and probably will die."
"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall suffocate."
The two glared at each other. The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man who sat near.These were,"First, open the window; that will kill one. Next, shut it: that will kill the other.Then we can have peace."

THE MAJORITY IS ALWAYS RIGHT

2008-04-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

A man had gone to picnic with his wife, and the wife stopped at a place near a pond with beautiful trees, and said," This seems to be the right spot."
The man said,"Certainly. Fifty million mosquitoes cannot be wrong."

THE PURITAN

2008-04-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

It was the first day of the new term at Princeton, and a black freshman was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking upper class man he inquired,"Say, can you tell me where the library is at?"
"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our sentences with a preposition."
"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

THE NAG

2008-04-23T04:14:00.001-07:00

A little old Jewish lady sits down on a plane next to a big Norwegian. She keeps taring and staring at him. Finally she turns to him and says,"Pardon me, are you Jewish?"
"No," he replies. A few minutes go by and she looks at him again and says," You can tell me- you are Jewish, aren't you?"
He answers,"Definitely not."
She keeps studying him, and says again, "I can tell you are Jewish!"
To get her to stop annoying him, the man says, "Okay, I am Jewish."
She looks at him and shakes her head back and forth and says,"Really, you don't look it."

THE OLD MAN WITH A DEAD WEAPON

2008-04-23T04:11:00.000-07:00

I have heard that ninety-year-old Herbie, who tried to seduce a fifteen-year-old girl, was areested for assault with a dead weapon.

THE GOOD WOMAN

2008-04-23T03:29:00.000-07:00

Artie Finkelstein was advised by his doctor that he had a rare disease, and the only remedy was a daily glass of fresh mother's milk. Artie finally found a young lady who was willing to sell her milk, and Artie sat down and nursed on her breast. after about five minutes, the woman looked at him and breathlessly asked," Is there anything else you would like?"
"Well," said Artie, "Er... maybe a cookie?"

THE UNFAITHFUL

2008-04-23T03:18:00.000-07:00

Ginsberg returned home from a trip abroad on business to find out that his wife had been unfaithful. Very upset, he interrogated his wife,
"Was it that dung heap Goldberg?"
"No."
"Was it that pile of filth, Lewinsky?"
"No."
"Was it that swine, Morrie Levy?"
"No."
Finally Ginsberg exploded, "What's the matter with my friends? Not good enough for you?"

A VASE FOR THE FLOWER

2008-04-23T03:10:00.000-07:00

Stella and Eunice are in the kitchen preparing vegetables and gossiping on a Friday night when Eunice looks out of the window. She sees her husband, Bernie, coming up the walkway with a bouquet of flowers.
Eunice turns to Stella and says, "Oh, no! He's bringing flowers. That means the whole weekend I will be on my back with my legs up in the air."
Stella replies," What's the matter? Don't you have a vase?"

THE INCORRIGIBLE OPTIMIST

2008-04-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Morie and Louis find themselves on the same overturned raft. The water is freezing, sharks are cruising by, and the raft is slowly sinking. "Ah well, " said Louis, "it could have been worse."
"Worse? How could it be worse?"screamed Morie.
"Well, we could have bought return tickets!"

THE SUBJECTS

2008-04-23T02:53:00.000-07:00

Two white rats were chatting through the bars of their laboratory cages.
"Tell me," said the first rat, "how are you getting along with Dr. Smith?"
"Just fine," replied the second. "It took a while, but I have finally got him trained. Now, whenever I ring the bell, he brings me my dinner."

THE TIRED BISHOP

2008-04-23T02:47:00.000-07:00

At a party an elderly bishop tired of social engagements sank wearily into a chair.
His hostess rushed up suggesting that he have a cup of tea.
"No tea," grunted the bishop.
"Coffee?"
"No coffee," was the solemn reply.
"Scotch and water?"
"No water."

THE DANGER OF WAITING

2008-04-23T02:30:00.000-07:00

A woman was filling out an application form at the bank when she came to the space for age. She hesitated a long time. Finally, the clerk leaned over and said, " The longer you wait, the worse it gets."

THE POWER OF FLATTERY

2008-04-23T02:15:00.000-07:00

Two old men meet on a street corner.
" Where have you been for the past eight eight weeks?"
"In jail," says the second man.
"In jail? How come?" says the first man.
The second old man replies," Well, about eight weeks ago I was standing on a street corner and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman and says, 'He is the man, officer. He is the one who attacked me.' And you know, I felt so flattered, I admitted it."